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You Can Give But Can You Receive?
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I’m like many people, I think, in that I tend to have a hard time receiving. Receiving gifts, compliments, praise, etc. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing, this constant need to be humble and polite. But let’s be clear here, there’s nothing egotistical or impolite about being a gracious receiver.
When someone compliments you, how do you react? “Oh, it’s nothing, really.” “No, really, anyone could have done that.” When someone gives you a gift, have you ever said, “I don’t deserve this” or “You shouldn’t have” or “You didn’t need to do this”?
The other day I came home from writing my last final exam for this semester. (I just finished one semester of music school part time.) On the kitchen table was a bag of dark chocolate almonds, a cold bottle of all-natural ginger-ale, and a handmade card that said “Congratulations!”, with a heartfelt note on the inside, my partner telling me how proud she was of me for pursuing my passion. You know what one of the first words out my mouth were? “You didn’t need to give me anything.”
Earlier that same day, a fellow music student complimented me on my guitar playing in a performance I was part of the previous week. My reply? “Thanks…it was a pretty basic part.” Why did I diminish what I did? Why didn’t I just accept it gracefully?
Tonight I was talking with my partner about this very topic. It’s Christmas time, the season for giving. We’re taught to give, give, give (which is great) but no one really teaches us how to receive. I asked her if she has typically had a hard time receiving gifts and compliments. She said she used to but is much better these days. She further said that when she is given compliments about something that she is confident within herself about, she glows and says “Thanks!” It’s when she’s given a compliment about something that she’s insecure about that she will have a hard time accepting it.
Which leads me to this: Our ability to receive is a reflection on how we feel about ourselves. If you’re feeling particularly good about how you look on any given day, and someone throws a compliment your way, you’ll probably readily accept it and feel even better about yourself. But what if you’re feeling insecure about the way your hair is, or you think your belly is sticking out a little bit, or you don’t really like how your jeans fit? I doubt the reaction to the same compliment would have the same effect.
So how do we learn to accept other people’s gifts and praises? I think it has a lot to do with faith and trust. Faith that you’re being given a gift because you deserve that gift. Trust that the person you’re receiving a gift from is doing so with thought and with meaning.
There’s another side to this as well. When we don’t accept a gift (whether it’s a compliment or something material) we’re dishonouring the gift-giver. Ever give a gift to someone and they truly show appreciation for it? It feels good, doesn’t it? That’s the gift-giving and -receiving transaction completed how it should be. Both parties honouring one another. To not accept a gift for what it is is denying that person that honour.
Christmas time is a great season to practice receiving; there’s just so much giving. And it is a practice; we get better at it the more we do it.
Happy holidays everyone!